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Watching the Game of Golf

You may be one of those worried or even frightened people when you find that you are sitting in front of a television, unwittingly watching the game of golf. This is in no way a problem if you are alone. However, if you find that you are watching Televised Golf with a person who not only plays the game, but loves the game, you may find the following guidelines helpful.

How to keep your sanity during the game:

Disappear to your “happy place.”

Pretend to hear the doorbell ring, disappear for as long as you think you can get away with, and return saying something like, “that was just crazy! I couldn’t even figure out who that was!” and sit back down on the sofa.

Return to your “happy place.”

Consider, develop, and set in stone the complete outline of the seven-hundred page novel that you always wanted to write.

Look interested, but never ask, “what was that? What just happened?” Never, ever ask this question when watching Televised Golf.

Go ahead and look at the television screen. Pick your favorite color and count how many times you see that color on the screen.

Think of the other people you might have married or been involved with or even just met on a corner in the city on a day when you had no particular plans.

Try to find any or all of these people on the Internet and make contact as soon as possible.

Consider thinking of a new “happy place.”

Throw an imaginary good bye party to your old “happy place.”

Give yourself an imaginary “Welcome Home!” party in your new “happy place.”

Try to remember math and how to do it.

Put things into perspective: If you speak, you are certain to get “hushed.” If you fall asleep, you are certain to be shaken back into watching the game. Find some place in between.

Consider the place in between sleeping and waking. Think about how much time and money is being used to research this place.

Consider just why this is being researched.

Consider becoming a research doctor so that you, too, may be involved in researching this place.

Sneak a glance at the person you are with. Are they drooling? Nodding? Do they continually loop the thumb of one hand into the pinkie of the other? Are they happy? Are you sure you want to continue spending valuable time with them?

Drink.

Drink more.

Pray to God that someone on your street accidentally calls 911.

Consider accidentally calling 911. Do not do this, but spend a lot of time considering it.

Think about paramedics.

Think about the paranormal.

Imagine a parachute.

Imagine having a parachute and jumping from your surroundings.

Sew yourself a parachute, study up on the art and technique, and go ahead and leave the room shouting, “I made my own parachute! I’m jumping and you can’t stop me!”

Bake cookies and beg forgiveness.

Never watch television again.

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